dylan,

Hi. I have not been the most talkative lately, and I hope that you aren’t taking it personally. I don’t really talk to anyone else anyway, so please don’t feel left out. If I’m only saying a few words to you, it means I’m saying nothing to everyone else.

You are aware I am not doing well and things are hard. You have told me this yesterday, and I apologize for the way it has drained you. Truly. It’s just been difficult to think of anything else to say and I don’t want to just give you dead air. I know you love me, and I love you too, and I understand that’s not the right way to do things and I want to change. As much as it pains me to type, I am going to try to think more positively, which is a scary thing to say considering my nature.

At heart, I am a pessimist. I like to say realist, but I know the world isn’t actually as bad as I say it is. For every bad day I have, there are five others who have the best days of their lives. My problem is just when I can’t have that! I know I can if I just try to focus more on the good things that happen (I gave you that “try to give me one good thing that happened” advice, but I realize now you didn’t need it and I did.), things might look better, and I’m really really trying.

I should know out of anyone that the world is not always terrible, and I owe you for showing that to me. You are the sun shining down on my post-nuclear disaster Chernobyl. You are the missing dog poking its wet nose from the rubble after a tornado. The get-well-soon card, the family showing up at their child’s losing game, the rainbow after a storm, the shells washed up after a tsunami, etc. etc… In other words, I know I have you when everything is wrong and I am not okay.

But sweet girl, where is that person for you? Please rely on me more.

love always,
vanessa